Mmmk.
I've been on this quest to lose weight for quite some years now. I've upped my activity, and lowered my calorie intake. I've walked, jogged, ran[in the dark, so folks won't see me jiggle], and taken alli, B12 shots, fat blockers, and on and on it goes.
It's time to take some real action. No quick fixes, but an OVERALL lifestyle change. My inspirational friend Sarah used to weigh 317 lbs. She easily weighs less than 150 now, and she is going to help me achieve my weight goals. Tomorrow, I go for our first weigh in, complete with before photos [a la Biggest Loser], measurements, and her dispensing tons of goodies like a journal, charts, nutritional guidelines, activity plans, etc.
For a girl like me, anything that involves office supplies is considered goodies. Hence, why it is not fair that I have to be the fat girl! Lol. I will be joining the local gym that is RIGHT DOWN THE STREET this weekend[$24 gets you membership to all three locations, and unlimited tanning and massage bed priveleges PLUS group training sessions!]. I am going to start constructing dream boards, and put motivational photos and phrases/words all over my mirror/room. I am also going to post my "Before" pictures here on this blog, and we will track my progress. By obligating myself to share my stats with the world [even if no one really reads this, lol], I am challenging myself to make it HAPPEN!
Starting today, I will post weekly with photos, measurements, journal excerpts, healthy recipes, and gym updates. The first entry to follow this one, will be about my goals, and things I want to do once I reach my goal of 30 pounds. The aim is to lose it by September...but I'll be happy to lose it before the end of the year, period. I've already lost 22 pounds this year....let's make it 52, and be in the game!!
This should be quite a journey. And hopefully, it turns out to be a fun one!!
<3
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Eff YOU, Mae Lin!
First of all, I would just like to say that getting a bikini wax does not in any way entitle you to prance around in a bikini. I just got my first bikini wax...and let me tell you what....NEVER again. EVER. NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER! The woman has been telling me for months now when I ask that I won't even feel it, and I figured "I mean, it doesn't hurt when they wax my brows! It's the tweezing that makes me wanna shoot myself!" and I went for it. You know that line in Forgetting Sarah Marshall when the newlywed guy is like "NO! God put our mouths on our heads for a REASON!" ? Well, he put hair on our bikini lines for a reason too. And I, for one, plan to NEVER venture to remove it in such a way ever again. Because this trick started with "Wowww, yo leg so smoo! And you don't have lot dimple like most big girl!"
Ok, heiffa. Look here! [WAIT! NOT THERE! BECAUSE THAT'S PRIVATE PROPERTY!] Insults are not welcome in this situation. Not even when you actually mean it as a compliment in your own twisted way. Because you are WAXING my HOO-HA!! I would really much rather we discuss Glee or something random and intriguing like that as you venture into the unknown, here. Hella rude. And ya'll are probably over there dying laughing, but I am so serious when I say that I wanted to die right then. Not even because of the cellulite crack...but because, dang! I don't even have a legit reason to do mess like this! I coulda stuck to what I know, and kicked it with the homegirl Sally Hansen at home for 15 minutes, and it woulda been a wrap .But noooo. I tried to be all 21st century with it. Believe me when I tell you that I have learned my lesson. I'd rather die from eating maggot eggs[ and THAT is a whole other story]. I'm just being real.
Actually, let's tell the maggot story, shall we? I came home from work and TORTURE spa and salon tonight, and Julie said to feel free to eat some of the yummy pot roast that she made. She mentioned there were no sides, and I had some potatoes I've been meaning to use, so I figured I'd make some parmesan mashed potatoes. I was adding the potatoes to the boiling water, when I realized there was something in the garlic salt. I had NOT used the garlic salt....but I was planning to after draining the potatoes, because it was already out from Julie using it for the pot roast when she put it in the crock pot last night. I kept seeing something black in the little clear part of the jar, and I figured it was like, the reflection of the spatula I was stirring with....til I looked closer, stopped moving my arm, and realized it was a FLY. An effing FLY was in the garlic salt. Those familiar with most household spice jars know that it is "protected" by a little plastic cover with some holes in it. Holes, in this case, that were NOT large enough for a fly to get into. WTH?!?!?! I processed this, and then ran to the other room to show Alex, who laughed, before being disgusted and mentioning that hopefully we wouldn't "eat maggot eggs and die." AWWW MAN!!! In case anyone is wondering, the pot roast was delicious. AS were the potatoes. If I die, tell em to check the meat.[That's what she said!] :)
Otherwise? My new job? AMAZING. I got my desk all set up today, and I start working solo tomorrow, as we are officially gonna begin taking appointments for the new Handyman service. We are still in the process of hiring an actual Handyman crew, rather than using the termite guys to do the work, like we are presently. In the meantime, I am working both Termite and Handyman, and Wednesdays are free lunch day, so I'm hella excited. I'm praying it's Panera Day!! WOOOOO!
Friday, I start my new healthy lifestyle. Sarah is going to help me make my weight loss goals a reality, and the plan is to lose 30 lbs before September. I have 22 down, and that'll make 52 lbs before the year is even OVER! Amazing!I am joining the gym[even tho I HATE working out alone], eating more organic food, cutting the majority of processed foods[ except wednesdays, shooooot!], and I'm posting photos, quotes and dream boards all around my room! The downside is, I have to take "Biggest Loser" style piks, in red cheer shorts and a black sports bra. But you better believe I'll be posting them come September. I'd like to take this moment to thank those that have supported and praised me so far, and I hope you'll continue to do so. Jesenia...I am SO happy we are starting together! We will toast with cellulite cream! Lol.
Also, one of the highlights of the month? Attending the wedding of Mrs. Thigpenn! Ya'll made me want to fall in love! I am so happy for you, and I'll continue to pray that nothing but joy and love bless your family and home.
I'll be throwing a housewarming bbq soon. I was going to do July, but it's a really busy month, so it looks like it's gonna be the first weekend of August. I hope ya'll will keep that in mind. The FB invite will be out shortly. I hope you all make it, so you can be a part of the new joy I have in life! I'll be making tons of food, and sangria! :)
Love you all!
<3
Ok, heiffa. Look here! [WAIT! NOT THERE! BECAUSE THAT'S PRIVATE PROPERTY!] Insults are not welcome in this situation. Not even when you actually mean it as a compliment in your own twisted way. Because you are WAXING my HOO-HA!! I would really much rather we discuss Glee or something random and intriguing like that as you venture into the unknown, here. Hella rude. And ya'll are probably over there dying laughing, but I am so serious when I say that I wanted to die right then. Not even because of the cellulite crack...but because, dang! I don't even have a legit reason to do mess like this! I coulda stuck to what I know, and kicked it with the homegirl Sally Hansen at home for 15 minutes, and it woulda been a wrap .But noooo. I tried to be all 21st century with it. Believe me when I tell you that I have learned my lesson. I'd rather die from eating maggot eggs[ and THAT is a whole other story]. I'm just being real.
Actually, let's tell the maggot story, shall we? I came home from work and TORTURE spa and salon tonight, and Julie said to feel free to eat some of the yummy pot roast that she made. She mentioned there were no sides, and I had some potatoes I've been meaning to use, so I figured I'd make some parmesan mashed potatoes. I was adding the potatoes to the boiling water, when I realized there was something in the garlic salt. I had NOT used the garlic salt....but I was planning to after draining the potatoes, because it was already out from Julie using it for the pot roast when she put it in the crock pot last night. I kept seeing something black in the little clear part of the jar, and I figured it was like, the reflection of the spatula I was stirring with....til I looked closer, stopped moving my arm, and realized it was a FLY. An effing FLY was in the garlic salt. Those familiar with most household spice jars know that it is "protected" by a little plastic cover with some holes in it. Holes, in this case, that were NOT large enough for a fly to get into. WTH?!?!?! I processed this, and then ran to the other room to show Alex, who laughed, before being disgusted and mentioning that hopefully we wouldn't "eat maggot eggs and die." AWWW MAN!!! In case anyone is wondering, the pot roast was delicious. AS were the potatoes. If I die, tell em to check the meat.[That's what she said!] :)
Otherwise? My new job? AMAZING. I got my desk all set up today, and I start working solo tomorrow, as we are officially gonna begin taking appointments for the new Handyman service. We are still in the process of hiring an actual Handyman crew, rather than using the termite guys to do the work, like we are presently. In the meantime, I am working both Termite and Handyman, and Wednesdays are free lunch day, so I'm hella excited. I'm praying it's Panera Day!! WOOOOO!
Friday, I start my new healthy lifestyle. Sarah is going to help me make my weight loss goals a reality, and the plan is to lose 30 lbs before September. I have 22 down, and that'll make 52 lbs before the year is even OVER! Amazing!I am joining the gym[even tho I HATE working out alone], eating more organic food, cutting the majority of processed foods[ except wednesdays, shooooot!], and I'm posting photos, quotes and dream boards all around my room! The downside is, I have to take "Biggest Loser" style piks, in red cheer shorts and a black sports bra. But you better believe I'll be posting them come September. I'd like to take this moment to thank those that have supported and praised me so far, and I hope you'll continue to do so. Jesenia...I am SO happy we are starting together! We will toast with cellulite cream! Lol.
Also, one of the highlights of the month? Attending the wedding of Mrs. Thigpenn! Ya'll made me want to fall in love! I am so happy for you, and I'll continue to pray that nothing but joy and love bless your family and home.
I'll be throwing a housewarming bbq soon. I was going to do July, but it's a really busy month, so it looks like it's gonna be the first weekend of August. I hope ya'll will keep that in mind. The FB invite will be out shortly. I hope you all make it, so you can be a part of the new joy I have in life! I'll be making tons of food, and sangria! :)
Love you all!
<3
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
VERY single.
It has recently come to my attention that I am 22 years old, and VERY single.
I say VERY single, because I was recently out with some friends, and everyone was talking about their relationships, and then we rekindled the hilarious moments from their past relationships, and then everyone started talking about me and my LACK of relationships. One person gets defensive for me and says "JoJo has ambitions! She is the ideal single girl, like we read books about!" and the other one says "Sondra is VERY single. I think she prefers it that way!"
Now, I laughed this off. Because generally speaking, it has its share of validity. At the same token though, for a split second, I kinda felt dysfunctional.
Why am I single? Why do I never end up in an actual, bonafide relationship? Why am I happier committing my attention to the attention I get from a person, rather than committing myself to making that person be mine? What is my deal? I guess I didn't realize that I am the only one who has no kind of significant other to speak of. I always have a story about a guy, but nobody is surprised when I say that I have some overly detailed reason for why it would just never work out, in the long run.
My diagnosis seems so simple, because it is my life. Pretty much, I feel like I have sooo many things I want to accomplish. I have so many new ideas and opportunities that have been presented to me, and I am working hard to see them through to a successful end. I want the good job, and the cute apartment, and the new car. I guess I just thought the boyfriend part could wait. People have come and gone that changed my mind, and made me want to make that exception...but they were always just a bit too good to be true. I guess I haven't been in an actual, LEGITIMATE relationship (high school doesn't count, right?) since...ever. Such is life. I hold no grudges.
But you gotta see where I am coming from here. I am a babysitter for my father. This guy, who was meant to be the strongest male role model in my life, needs ME to pick HIM up from the police at 1am. Not the other way around. I make friends with guys so easily, because I totally relate to their perspectives on relationships. The one guy I almost actually fell IN love with? He kept me waiting because he knew I would always be there, always taking care of him. Taking care of people is what I DO. It's what I was created for....one of the largest purposes I feel God attached to my life. I look out for all of the people I love, and I feel so strongly for them.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a nurturing person. Has it set me back at times? Yes. Have people taken advantage of me, and taken me for granted? Unfortunately. Call me crazy, but that doesn't stop me from caring. Problem is, where are the guys like me? Where are the guys who want to build something WITH me? The ones who are working so hard on themselves, that they understand why I'm in no hurry. That understand me when I say I just want to be able to have my life, and celebrate my successes at the same time that I celebrate theirs? I don't want to pay a guy's bills, or be his 2nd mother, and keep him shielded from the hard work that is LIFE. And at the same time, I never really did find myself into guys who want to do everything for me. I'm a strong person. That much I know. I don't need anyone, much less a guy barely older or any wiser than myself, to take the Daddy role and try to manage my life.
[Worst of all? A lot of guys come around these days (and I KNOW ya'll know at least one of them!) and they have these silly ideas that it's ok for them to do absolutely NOTHING while some independent female spends her time and hard-earned money to keep him comfortable. Don't get me wrong; it's 2010 and people are losing jobs left and right, and having a hard time finding new ones. So I'm all for helping your man out when he hits a hard spot. Loyalty is everything. And if you know he'd do the same for you? By all means. But these lazy ones? The ones who swear they're gang members, or future rappers, and somehow think they're too good to work at a warehouse or a McDonalds (money is money,honey!)? Who don't have their diploma, GED, or knowledge of what a college is? Who ask you to let them "hold" some money til they "get right?" Naw. I'm sorry. You got enough to handle working on yourself. Yeah, you love him, and you believe in him. So, therefore, you believe him when he says he is going to FINALLY make that resume and hand it out tomorrow....everyday. But me? I've had my fair share of broken promises and disappointments. That cycle never really did work for me...but I was trying so hard to bend the rules to get the guy. Little did I know...once I started worrying about me more than him? I LAUGH when I hear about people paying his way everyday. I no longer want to cry when I hear he still isn't even TRYING, because I know only he can fix it. Where is the AMBITION ladies? All these fools sing along when Drake is talking about "successful," but they aren't living it! I don't understand!?!! Lol. And if another broke negro gets hyped when "I Get Money" comes on, so help me....I'm going to pull out my debit card and slice his throat with it.]
So yes. I am VERY single. Because I am VERY convinced that once my life has come together the way I expect it to...the way I am working SO hard to achieve...that guy will come along, and we can have that spirit in common. We can celebrate the fact that we made it, and console each other from then on whenever we may miss the mark. That's love. That is the love I have with all of my friends and family, and I don't think it's wrong to want the same things from the person I could potentially share my life with.
I'm not the ideal bachleorette, who plays men flirtatiously and would rather be alone. I simply figure being alone now is a small sacrifice to make, knowing that when I have made it to the top...someone will be waiting there, nodding his head in agreement. I'm happy my friends are fortunate enough to have found the guys they were looking for so soon before me, don't get me wrong. This is simply MY preference. I figure if I really, truly wanted a relationship now...I could have it. But I'd rather have my good job, and cute apartment. Then? He can come over, and I can make dinner, and kick him out if I don't like him! :)
But, alas, I am 22. And VERY single. And every day that goes by with a new goal made or reached, I find myself being VERY happy, regardless.
Love you all!
<3
I say VERY single, because I was recently out with some friends, and everyone was talking about their relationships, and then we rekindled the hilarious moments from their past relationships, and then everyone started talking about me and my LACK of relationships. One person gets defensive for me and says "JoJo has ambitions! She is the ideal single girl, like we read books about!" and the other one says "Sondra is VERY single. I think she prefers it that way!"
Now, I laughed this off. Because generally speaking, it has its share of validity. At the same token though, for a split second, I kinda felt dysfunctional.
Why am I single? Why do I never end up in an actual, bonafide relationship? Why am I happier committing my attention to the attention I get from a person, rather than committing myself to making that person be mine? What is my deal? I guess I didn't realize that I am the only one who has no kind of significant other to speak of. I always have a story about a guy, but nobody is surprised when I say that I have some overly detailed reason for why it would just never work out, in the long run.
My diagnosis seems so simple, because it is my life. Pretty much, I feel like I have sooo many things I want to accomplish. I have so many new ideas and opportunities that have been presented to me, and I am working hard to see them through to a successful end. I want the good job, and the cute apartment, and the new car. I guess I just thought the boyfriend part could wait. People have come and gone that changed my mind, and made me want to make that exception...but they were always just a bit too good to be true. I guess I haven't been in an actual, LEGITIMATE relationship (high school doesn't count, right?) since...ever. Such is life. I hold no grudges.
But you gotta see where I am coming from here. I am a babysitter for my father. This guy, who was meant to be the strongest male role model in my life, needs ME to pick HIM up from the police at 1am. Not the other way around. I make friends with guys so easily, because I totally relate to their perspectives on relationships. The one guy I almost actually fell IN love with? He kept me waiting because he knew I would always be there, always taking care of him. Taking care of people is what I DO. It's what I was created for....one of the largest purposes I feel God attached to my life. I look out for all of the people I love, and I feel so strongly for them.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a nurturing person. Has it set me back at times? Yes. Have people taken advantage of me, and taken me for granted? Unfortunately. Call me crazy, but that doesn't stop me from caring. Problem is, where are the guys like me? Where are the guys who want to build something WITH me? The ones who are working so hard on themselves, that they understand why I'm in no hurry. That understand me when I say I just want to be able to have my life, and celebrate my successes at the same time that I celebrate theirs? I don't want to pay a guy's bills, or be his 2nd mother, and keep him shielded from the hard work that is LIFE. And at the same time, I never really did find myself into guys who want to do everything for me. I'm a strong person. That much I know. I don't need anyone, much less a guy barely older or any wiser than myself, to take the Daddy role and try to manage my life.
[Worst of all? A lot of guys come around these days (and I KNOW ya'll know at least one of them!) and they have these silly ideas that it's ok for them to do absolutely NOTHING while some independent female spends her time and hard-earned money to keep him comfortable. Don't get me wrong; it's 2010 and people are losing jobs left and right, and having a hard time finding new ones. So I'm all for helping your man out when he hits a hard spot. Loyalty is everything. And if you know he'd do the same for you? By all means. But these lazy ones? The ones who swear they're gang members, or future rappers, and somehow think they're too good to work at a warehouse or a McDonalds (money is money,honey!)? Who don't have their diploma, GED, or knowledge of what a college is? Who ask you to let them "hold" some money til they "get right?" Naw. I'm sorry. You got enough to handle working on yourself. Yeah, you love him, and you believe in him. So, therefore, you believe him when he says he is going to FINALLY make that resume and hand it out tomorrow....everyday. But me? I've had my fair share of broken promises and disappointments. That cycle never really did work for me...but I was trying so hard to bend the rules to get the guy. Little did I know...once I started worrying about me more than him? I LAUGH when I hear about people paying his way everyday. I no longer want to cry when I hear he still isn't even TRYING, because I know only he can fix it. Where is the AMBITION ladies? All these fools sing along when Drake is talking about "successful," but they aren't living it! I don't understand!?!! Lol. And if another broke negro gets hyped when "I Get Money" comes on, so help me....I'm going to pull out my debit card and slice his throat with it.]
So yes. I am VERY single. Because I am VERY convinced that once my life has come together the way I expect it to...the way I am working SO hard to achieve...that guy will come along, and we can have that spirit in common. We can celebrate the fact that we made it, and console each other from then on whenever we may miss the mark. That's love. That is the love I have with all of my friends and family, and I don't think it's wrong to want the same things from the person I could potentially share my life with.
I'm not the ideal bachleorette, who plays men flirtatiously and would rather be alone. I simply figure being alone now is a small sacrifice to make, knowing that when I have made it to the top...someone will be waiting there, nodding his head in agreement. I'm happy my friends are fortunate enough to have found the guys they were looking for so soon before me, don't get me wrong. This is simply MY preference. I figure if I really, truly wanted a relationship now...I could have it. But I'd rather have my good job, and cute apartment. Then? He can come over, and I can make dinner, and kick him out if I don't like him! :)
But, alas, I am 22. And VERY single. And every day that goes by with a new goal made or reached, I find myself being VERY happy, regardless.
Love you all!
<3
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Sondra Meets mark.
.....and they live happily ever after!
Lol. No, but really tho? I began selling mark. cosmetics recently [stay tuned for the seperate blog I plan to start for my endeavor. You know I'm the P. Diddy of the Recessionistas.] and I LOVE the product. It was such an easy start-up, and it's a perfect fit for me. Because it focuses on cosmetics, skincare, and apparel/accessories, it makes all of those magazine subscriptions and retail/makeup artist/skincare consultant jobs TOTALLY worth it. Haha! Who knew?
I am hosting my first mark. party on March 20th, and I have all kinds of fab ideas to keep the ladies laughing, and lipglossing! Cupcake bar, citrus sangria, mini facials and makeovers...it's gonna be an event to remember...and hopefully? A MONEYMAKER!
I'm starting small, showcasing samples of top products, and showing the girls how I perfected the five minute face...even if I'm using 3 eyeshadows, a blush, mascara, lipstick, and the occasional tinted moisturizer. It should really be informative, and help them see that being fab and flirty this spring is just a few tips and tricks away from their fingertips!
I'll keep you posted on the outcome...I know these girls better show up. If they don't, they'll miss out on some ridiculously amazing swag bags and raffle prizes!
I created a new concept with the newest limited edition spring shades, inspired by the new Citrus Bloom fragrance. I call it "Spring Fling"...peep the piks!
How did I do it, you may ask?
iMark eyeshadows [$5 each!]: stellar[yellow-gold, line inner corners and lashlines about 1/3 in], Lotus[lavender, line remaining lids and wing slightly out on outer corners], LuvStruck [pink, in crease, blended slightly into browbone.]
Make It Big Mascara[$7!!] in Raven[2 coats does the trick!]
Good Glowing Custom Pick Powder Blush[$7!!!!] in Cameo Glow [smile, and apply a light dusting to just the apples of your cheeks. Its peachy with just a hint of shimmer to make you look fab..not, tacky!]
Dew Drenched Moisturlicious LipColor[$6!!] in Watermelon
Face? I just used a light coat of Get a Tint tinted moisturizer with SPF 15 in my shade, which is Almond.
Love and Lipgloss!
Sondra Jo
Thursday, February 18, 2010
I have come to the conclusion that I am ready to be a bit fearless and make some things happen.
I am always so afraid to go for a lot of things, because I am afraid to fail. Throughout my life, it seems that every time I am about to reach the top...something comes around that brings my happiness, stability, and success to a screeching halt. Then? It takes me forever to get the nerve back up to try once again. Sometimes, I just wish I had more control over everything.
Then I realize something:
EVERYONE wants to have more control. Nobody wants to see everything they worked so hard for, that they want SO badly, come crashing down around them. Nobody promised that getting somewhere in life would be easy. So who am I to think I've got it like that? I need to just get back up, keep smiling, and MAKE IT HAPPEN. That, essentially, is the solution. Failure is ultimately a part of success. When I think of it that way, it makes it easier to accept rejection. From people, from job opportunities, from schools....it's all just a part of the process. By keeping your faith in the Lord, and trusting that he will make a way for you, you will keep going until it finally happens.
Because it will happen.
So, on that note...I went to an interview for a job I wasn't sure I wanted. I started my own makeup business. I dropped out of school for the semester because I know I won't get better than C's if I stay[you kinda need books for online classes, and I had NO book money. Lol]. I started working out harder, and eating better, and taking bigger steps toward reaching my weight loss goals. I even put myself on a list to be considered for an actual weight loss procedure clinical trial. I texted a guy who was interested in me FIRST. I started paying better compliments to guys, instead of just staring back at them when I catch them looking at me. I decided that sometimes? You have to let "friends" go, even if it makes you look weak or bitter. I booked a flight to DC to see my cousin, so that I could escape my Cali comfort zone, and make better connections with my family. I picked my dad up from the police, so he would know that even though he hurts me, I'll never leave him.
I'm not saying there have been any drastic improvements since all this. But guess what? My heart? It's so full of joy. I don't find myself hanging around people that I don't trust. I don't cry when I think about how much they hurt me, just by pretending they care about me more than their actions tell me they do. I don't back down. I want things done the right way, and if that means sometimes I cannot just sit back and deal with it in silence...SO BE IT.
It's about time I felt this way. I am content with the fact that no matter what, I am able to survive. I am looking for better jobs, so I can make better money, and have a better living situation. I am so focused on stability and independence....but sometimes, I am just so scared that I will fail.
But now, I don't mind so much. I never said I wanted EVERYTHING in the world. I just want EVERYTHING to be pleasant. Even if the exact circumstances are in God's hands rather than mine, I appreciate the fact that I have a say-so in some areas. I can't control who hires me, who loves me, who makes my heart beat so wildly that I think I'll lose it.
But I can control the way that I adapt to, adjust, and accept these things. And that is exactly what I plan to do!
Have a fun, blessed, and adventurous weekend people.
Maybe I'll see you in Vegas! I'm on my way in a few hours, wearing the "Luck is On My Side" necklace that my sister bought me for Christmas! Keno anyone? Lol.
<3
I am always so afraid to go for a lot of things, because I am afraid to fail. Throughout my life, it seems that every time I am about to reach the top...something comes around that brings my happiness, stability, and success to a screeching halt. Then? It takes me forever to get the nerve back up to try once again. Sometimes, I just wish I had more control over everything.
Then I realize something:
EVERYONE wants to have more control. Nobody wants to see everything they worked so hard for, that they want SO badly, come crashing down around them. Nobody promised that getting somewhere in life would be easy. So who am I to think I've got it like that? I need to just get back up, keep smiling, and MAKE IT HAPPEN. That, essentially, is the solution. Failure is ultimately a part of success. When I think of it that way, it makes it easier to accept rejection. From people, from job opportunities, from schools....it's all just a part of the process. By keeping your faith in the Lord, and trusting that he will make a way for you, you will keep going until it finally happens.
Because it will happen.
So, on that note...I went to an interview for a job I wasn't sure I wanted. I started my own makeup business. I dropped out of school for the semester because I know I won't get better than C's if I stay[you kinda need books for online classes, and I had NO book money. Lol]. I started working out harder, and eating better, and taking bigger steps toward reaching my weight loss goals. I even put myself on a list to be considered for an actual weight loss procedure clinical trial. I texted a guy who was interested in me FIRST. I started paying better compliments to guys, instead of just staring back at them when I catch them looking at me. I decided that sometimes? You have to let "friends" go, even if it makes you look weak or bitter. I booked a flight to DC to see my cousin, so that I could escape my Cali comfort zone, and make better connections with my family. I picked my dad up from the police, so he would know that even though he hurts me, I'll never leave him.
I'm not saying there have been any drastic improvements since all this. But guess what? My heart? It's so full of joy. I don't find myself hanging around people that I don't trust. I don't cry when I think about how much they hurt me, just by pretending they care about me more than their actions tell me they do. I don't back down. I want things done the right way, and if that means sometimes I cannot just sit back and deal with it in silence...SO BE IT.
It's about time I felt this way. I am content with the fact that no matter what, I am able to survive. I am looking for better jobs, so I can make better money, and have a better living situation. I am so focused on stability and independence....but sometimes, I am just so scared that I will fail.
But now, I don't mind so much. I never said I wanted EVERYTHING in the world. I just want EVERYTHING to be pleasant. Even if the exact circumstances are in God's hands rather than mine, I appreciate the fact that I have a say-so in some areas. I can't control who hires me, who loves me, who makes my heart beat so wildly that I think I'll lose it.
But I can control the way that I adapt to, adjust, and accept these things. And that is exactly what I plan to do!
Have a fun, blessed, and adventurous weekend people.
Maybe I'll see you in Vegas! I'm on my way in a few hours, wearing the "Luck is On My Side" necklace that my sister bought me for Christmas! Keno anyone? Lol.
<3
Saturday, November 21, 2009
So, it's definitely been awhile since I have blogged. Quite honestly, I have been so caught up in the craziness that is my life, that I have been doing anything possible to distract me from it. Therefore, I can't blog about it, because then, I have to re-live and analyze it. Yeeks!
Basically, I went from the girl who was finally on track somewhat...got a free car, finally insured it and got it on the road, had a guy that I found myself missing after awhile [which has NOT happened in a VERY long time], had a place to stay free of charge, had an idea of what I wanted to do, and when I wanted it done.
Now...the car has to be smogged by the 13th of December and my father STILL hasn't helped me fix it, the guy went back to his ex girlfriend, and decided to tell me a WEEK later[ the day after he came and surprised me at home and kissed me, no less. smh.], and my mom is moving to Connecticut in 2 days and I have to find someplace to go in the meantime. I have until the 30th [aka, pray for me. lol.].
The funny thing is, none of this bothers me as much as it might have a year ago. I feel so at peace in my life lately that I sit and laugh at all of these things, and I suppose I am just grateful that it's not worse! I've seen worse. I've been there. This is a minor bump in the road. Is it gonna take more work that I was anticipating? Yes. Am I thrilled about it? Of course not. Is it stressful? Sure. But, it could be worse.
Let's start with the juice: The Boy. Haha. So funny. I have always referred to him as "The Boy," because there didn't seem to be any appropriate term for whatever he was in my life. He certainly wasn't my boyfriend, although the thought may have crossed my mind. He was a time-filler. A trial run, of some sort. It was funny, because I told myself to give him a shot, and try to let go of some of the resentment I harbor from past let-downs in the relationship department. I've had boyfriends, but looking back....more importantly, looking FORWARD...they don't seem to measure to anything significant. They don't really count, to be serious. At least, not to me. So this one...I had no problem easing into it...and everything was quite nice. I didn't have to see him everyday. He wasn't a complete jerk who used me for things. I didn't have to put music on his ipod, lend him 10 dollars, answer his every ebay question, etc. Lol. He genuinely liked me. I know this, because HE pursued ME. I didn't really think we'd be more than friends. But that's what I get for thinking, huh? Anyways...I started seeing him less recently, what with me having three jobs, and him working 60 hr weeks. He came by last Thursday to surprise me after not physically seeing his face in a week, and kissed me and told me he missed me, blah blah blah. He also asked me yet again, why I never hit him up first. If he doesn't talk to me, I won't talk to him. He's right. It's an old habit, and a bad one. Upon Jesenia and Candace's lectures, I wrote him the next day, and told him he made me feel like a jerk and that I was gonna make more of an effort to be the initiator of conversation. He says "Aww, it's cool. You're not an asshole. You told me that's how you are from the beginning." [True that. I always offer the disclaimer. Shoot!] And when he said that...my stomach felt funny. See, when he came over a couple weeks ago, he told me he was going to make me more of a priority, because I started seeing him less. I went two weeks without seeing him at one point, in fact. He came over almost every day after that. I bought it. I reply "Well, ok. Lol. but I'm still gonna try. What's on your agenda for the day?"
You know what he says? "Well, I've got my lil man today. Um, I feel its only right and respectful if I tell you this cuz I know its gonna change everything, as it should, even tho I wish it wouldnt. But um, I got back with my ex last week. I think you're a really good girl, and I love our friendship, and I don't want to lose you. I just want to know your thoughts on this?"
OMG. AHHHHHH!! Why do people write "um" in messages?!?! For real!?!? REALLY?!?! Like that makes it any better? Like you really were thinking "um" as you were typing? STFU. Ick. Boo. Ugh. I just looked at it, and locked my phone. I was on my break at Torrid. I called Candace, and told her, and cracked up at her response. I didn't give it much thought til I got home that night. I realized how much of a loser he was for telling me this via myspace. He is 24 years old. Why are you telling me this online? You think you are going to get back with your ex, and come visit me the night before and KISS me like you AIN'T got a girlfriend, and that I'm going to "tell you my thoughts on this?" Wow. Talk about a caveman. It's at this point that I realize I am much different than a year ago. Last year around this time, someone I used to care very violently for highly disrespected me, and I went home and listed him and his best friend on CraigsList under Males4Males....with the Caption "Double Your Pleasure." HAHAHAHA! He still has no idea. And Plan A was to slash his tires...but I felt CL was most appropriate. And the responses made me laugh. But this one? I didn't respond to the message. I know that people who know me will probably think that is very out of character for me. I am not typically the type to let something like that go without an intellectual verbal assassination. But, honestly? I am changing everyday. It takes a lot to spark a fire in me these days. I spose that's the only reason I was disappointed in the first place. I actually dropped the defense a bit, and gave him a shot. But he was no different in the end. Live and learn, and then learn again. and AGAIN. I get it. He wrote again the NEXT day, talking about "So...I guess you're not speaking to me, huh?"
"I had nothing to say...so I didn't respond."
Him: "I'm really sorry."
Me: "You don't owe me an apology."
Him: "I feel like I do. You're a good girl, and I really love the time I spend with you."
Me: "I think I told you before that I don't expect anything from most people...that's how I avoid being disappointed by things like this. It's really fine."
Him: "Well, if you ever need anything, I am always here for you."
Me: "Thanks."
What?!?!? Who was that responding?! Was that really Sondra? Could it be?!?! Yessir. That was me. Mature. Unaffected. Somewhat brief. Shocked, I'm sure. And the killer? Wednesday morning, the fool shows up at my house and walks in the door. I guess I forgot to tell him he lost that privelege when he gained a girlfriend. I was just waking up, standing there in my chonies and a tshirt, fresh out the bed about to go brush my teeth when he opened my door. And I know I gave him a real lovely look, because he says "AW MAN! You look craaazy!" Yeah nigga. I look crazy. I just woke up, and you are NOT supposed to be here. He hugs me, and I give him a "church hug" back. I don't know where the sign is that says "No, really. You've let me down, and I kinda don't like you...but please! Come and take me for granted some more!!" on my body, but I beg anyone who has seen it to remove it when we see each other! I just looked at him really steadily, waiting...and he acted completely nonchalant....like he didn't just tell me he got back with his ex! And me? I went right along with it. Then he tells me I look surprised to see him. talk about a master manipulator!!! And THEN?!?! He asks me if I have a stamp. Lol. A freaking stamp. I thought about it, and realized I had one in my car. So I took the opportunity to get him outside, and gave him the stamp. And then after some more b.s. small talk, he left, telling me he'd be back at 3 and that he was going to see me at karaoke that night. Haven't spoken to or seen him since. Talk about a nigga. JEEZ!!! Don't get me wrong...I don't mind that he didn't show up..but I just hate the idea that he simply did that as his own lil closure so he didn't feel like the A-hole that he is. Because that was a real douchebag, immature thing he did. Point blank.
So now? It's back to the drawing board, and I don't mind, I guess. I just hate that I never have expectations for anyone, much less men. So I end up being this woman that I am...guarded, and sarcastic, and defensive...because nothing is EVER as good as it seems. I know this. I fear this. Plus, with three jobs and two classes with finals on the way...obviously men are low on the list. But I thought I was almost there....then BAM! Messy. Whatev.
Otherwise...the whole potentially homeless, and sick, and sleepy, and unmotivated thing? It's cool. I know the Lord will work it out. See, situations like those with the boy made me realize something. I am often accused of being too nice [amidst accusations that I am too mean, ironically.] and I forgive extremely easily. I let people back in, and give a lot of people the benefit of the doubt. I constantly lend a hand to those who do nothing but use me, or let me down. And you know what? If me, just a normal human being, can manage that? God's abilities are FAR, FAR, MORE AMAZING. Therefore, I will be just fine.
That's all for now. Notice I focus on the scandal...I know what amuses folks, huh? Lol.
Enjoy the rest of the weekend, and I hope everyone has a fabulous Thanksgiving!!!
Basically, I went from the girl who was finally on track somewhat...got a free car, finally insured it and got it on the road, had a guy that I found myself missing after awhile [which has NOT happened in a VERY long time], had a place to stay free of charge, had an idea of what I wanted to do, and when I wanted it done.
Now...the car has to be smogged by the 13th of December and my father STILL hasn't helped me fix it, the guy went back to his ex girlfriend, and decided to tell me a WEEK later[ the day after he came and surprised me at home and kissed me, no less. smh.], and my mom is moving to Connecticut in 2 days and I have to find someplace to go in the meantime. I have until the 30th [aka, pray for me. lol.].
The funny thing is, none of this bothers me as much as it might have a year ago. I feel so at peace in my life lately that I sit and laugh at all of these things, and I suppose I am just grateful that it's not worse! I've seen worse. I've been there. This is a minor bump in the road. Is it gonna take more work that I was anticipating? Yes. Am I thrilled about it? Of course not. Is it stressful? Sure. But, it could be worse.
Let's start with the juice: The Boy. Haha. So funny. I have always referred to him as "The Boy," because there didn't seem to be any appropriate term for whatever he was in my life. He certainly wasn't my boyfriend, although the thought may have crossed my mind. He was a time-filler. A trial run, of some sort. It was funny, because I told myself to give him a shot, and try to let go of some of the resentment I harbor from past let-downs in the relationship department. I've had boyfriends, but looking back....more importantly, looking FORWARD...they don't seem to measure to anything significant. They don't really count, to be serious. At least, not to me. So this one...I had no problem easing into it...and everything was quite nice. I didn't have to see him everyday. He wasn't a complete jerk who used me for things. I didn't have to put music on his ipod, lend him 10 dollars, answer his every ebay question, etc. Lol. He genuinely liked me. I know this, because HE pursued ME. I didn't really think we'd be more than friends. But that's what I get for thinking, huh? Anyways...I started seeing him less recently, what with me having three jobs, and him working 60 hr weeks. He came by last Thursday to surprise me after not physically seeing his face in a week, and kissed me and told me he missed me, blah blah blah. He also asked me yet again, why I never hit him up first. If he doesn't talk to me, I won't talk to him. He's right. It's an old habit, and a bad one. Upon Jesenia and Candace's lectures, I wrote him the next day, and told him he made me feel like a jerk and that I was gonna make more of an effort to be the initiator of conversation. He says "Aww, it's cool. You're not an asshole. You told me that's how you are from the beginning." [True that. I always offer the disclaimer. Shoot!] And when he said that...my stomach felt funny. See, when he came over a couple weeks ago, he told me he was going to make me more of a priority, because I started seeing him less. I went two weeks without seeing him at one point, in fact. He came over almost every day after that. I bought it. I reply "Well, ok. Lol. but I'm still gonna try. What's on your agenda for the day?"
You know what he says? "Well, I've got my lil man today. Um, I feel its only right and respectful if I tell you this cuz I know its gonna change everything, as it should, even tho I wish it wouldnt. But um, I got back with my ex last week. I think you're a really good girl, and I love our friendship, and I don't want to lose you. I just want to know your thoughts on this?"
OMG. AHHHHHH!! Why do people write "um" in messages?!?! For real!?!? REALLY?!?! Like that makes it any better? Like you really were thinking "um" as you were typing? STFU. Ick. Boo. Ugh. I just looked at it, and locked my phone. I was on my break at Torrid. I called Candace, and told her, and cracked up at her response. I didn't give it much thought til I got home that night. I realized how much of a loser he was for telling me this via myspace. He is 24 years old. Why are you telling me this online? You think you are going to get back with your ex, and come visit me the night before and KISS me like you AIN'T got a girlfriend, and that I'm going to "tell you my thoughts on this?" Wow. Talk about a caveman. It's at this point that I realize I am much different than a year ago. Last year around this time, someone I used to care very violently for highly disrespected me, and I went home and listed him and his best friend on CraigsList under Males4Males....with the Caption "Double Your Pleasure." HAHAHAHA! He still has no idea. And Plan A was to slash his tires...but I felt CL was most appropriate. And the responses made me laugh. But this one? I didn't respond to the message. I know that people who know me will probably think that is very out of character for me. I am not typically the type to let something like that go without an intellectual verbal assassination. But, honestly? I am changing everyday. It takes a lot to spark a fire in me these days. I spose that's the only reason I was disappointed in the first place. I actually dropped the defense a bit, and gave him a shot. But he was no different in the end. Live and learn, and then learn again. and AGAIN. I get it. He wrote again the NEXT day, talking about "So...I guess you're not speaking to me, huh?"
"I had nothing to say...so I didn't respond."
Him: "I'm really sorry."
Me: "You don't owe me an apology."
Him: "I feel like I do. You're a good girl, and I really love the time I spend with you."
Me: "I think I told you before that I don't expect anything from most people...that's how I avoid being disappointed by things like this. It's really fine."
Him: "Well, if you ever need anything, I am always here for you."
Me: "Thanks."
What?!?!? Who was that responding?! Was that really Sondra? Could it be?!?! Yessir. That was me. Mature. Unaffected. Somewhat brief. Shocked, I'm sure. And the killer? Wednesday morning, the fool shows up at my house and walks in the door. I guess I forgot to tell him he lost that privelege when he gained a girlfriend. I was just waking up, standing there in my chonies and a tshirt, fresh out the bed about to go brush my teeth when he opened my door. And I know I gave him a real lovely look, because he says "AW MAN! You look craaazy!" Yeah nigga. I look crazy. I just woke up, and you are NOT supposed to be here. He hugs me, and I give him a "church hug" back. I don't know where the sign is that says "No, really. You've let me down, and I kinda don't like you...but please! Come and take me for granted some more!!" on my body, but I beg anyone who has seen it to remove it when we see each other! I just looked at him really steadily, waiting...and he acted completely nonchalant....like he didn't just tell me he got back with his ex! And me? I went right along with it. Then he tells me I look surprised to see him. talk about a master manipulator!!! And THEN?!?! He asks me if I have a stamp. Lol. A freaking stamp. I thought about it, and realized I had one in my car. So I took the opportunity to get him outside, and gave him the stamp. And then after some more b.s. small talk, he left, telling me he'd be back at 3 and that he was going to see me at karaoke that night. Haven't spoken to or seen him since. Talk about a nigga. JEEZ!!! Don't get me wrong...I don't mind that he didn't show up..but I just hate the idea that he simply did that as his own lil closure so he didn't feel like the A-hole that he is. Because that was a real douchebag, immature thing he did. Point blank.
So now? It's back to the drawing board, and I don't mind, I guess. I just hate that I never have expectations for anyone, much less men. So I end up being this woman that I am...guarded, and sarcastic, and defensive...because nothing is EVER as good as it seems. I know this. I fear this. Plus, with three jobs and two classes with finals on the way...obviously men are low on the list. But I thought I was almost there....then BAM! Messy. Whatev.
Otherwise...the whole potentially homeless, and sick, and sleepy, and unmotivated thing? It's cool. I know the Lord will work it out. See, situations like those with the boy made me realize something. I am often accused of being too nice [amidst accusations that I am too mean, ironically.] and I forgive extremely easily. I let people back in, and give a lot of people the benefit of the doubt. I constantly lend a hand to those who do nothing but use me, or let me down. And you know what? If me, just a normal human being, can manage that? God's abilities are FAR, FAR, MORE AMAZING. Therefore, I will be just fine.
That's all for now. Notice I focus on the scandal...I know what amuses folks, huh? Lol.
Enjoy the rest of the weekend, and I hope everyone has a fabulous Thanksgiving!!!
Friday, October 2, 2009
It's Going Down Like a Denominator....
Ok. So here I sit, in my room on a Friday afternoon, trying to get my life together, or at least devise a plan of attack for how to get my life together before I head to work at Torrid in an hour and fifteen minutes. After a much needed nap, I decided maybe quitting school to join a roller derby won't solve all of my problems. But, I have to say, Drew Barrymore did a FABULOUS job with her directorial debut doing "Whip It." I went to see it with Jesenia this morning, and I love it!! It's a new fave! Especially since I only paid $6.00 to see it. I am doing all matinees from now on...I am worth $11.75...but only when I am not paying for my own ticket.
Speaking of dates. I haven't been on any lately. There is a new guy on the scene, and we keep saying we are going to go see a movie together, but we have yet to make that happen. Why, you ask? Well, he claims I am simply too busy. As usual, I am to blame for all the flaws in a "relationship." Ain't that something? Despite the fact that the guys get better with time, their excuses never do. I find that simply intriguing. The funny thing is, I am always too busy, but he makes sure he takes up all my free evening time. I say Ill be home at 11pm and he's waiting out front at 10:50. You better believe it. What the heck is THAT about?!?!
Strike that. I think it's a bunch of crap. But whose really paying attention? [that is what DRIPPING SARCASM looks like, if you didn't catch on to that.]
I just got done requesting information from The Academy of Art Institute in San Franscisco. I am leaning towards Fashion Marketing or Advertising. I guess I have no choice but to be uprooted. I try to stay in one place....try to make my life stable...but something always comes along and gives me the impression that it is NEVER going to happen. Whatever. Rather than stew over it and upset myself, I am going to keep doing what I have done all of my life: I am going to bloom where I am planted.
I have recently lost some more weight, constructed a rather fabulous essential fall wardrobe, and changed my style a bit. I am excited for life, but wary of what is to come. My mom was offered an interview for a job she really wants in Connecticut. How does this make me feel? I keep asking myself the same question. Where do I want to be? What do I want to do? Am I ready for anything other than California? I really don't know. The worst part is, the only thing holding me back is that I can't stand the thought of being more than an hour away from my aunt, and other mother, and the fam I have out here. Otherwise, I have nothing much left to lose, other than my sanity when the snow comes. So much for straight hair all winter if I go that route.
Do they even know how to press hair in Connecticut? Are there even black people there? Wow. WOW. What am I going to do?!?!?!
Moving on again, lately, I have been evaluating the importance of certain people in my life. I have a lot of friends. I refer to a lot of people as closer than friends...as family, actually. The killer is, they are some TWO FACED ass people!! Seriously, they have the game so messed up! What is it with people thinking that even though you KNOW the things they have done to others, they think you are stupid enough to believe they'd never do those things to you? Do I have "No, really, I love you so much I'm blind to your bullshit." stamped on my forehead? I really hope not, because the last thing I aim to do is falsely advertise my intelligence. I'm on to you. I have been for a long time. But now? Now, it's getting a bit ridiculous. And seeing as I don't deal with you on a daily basis, I don't see why I should bother keeping you around.
I plan to keep taking chances. But only on MYSELF. I am DONE with people who think they can gallivant around asking for favors all the damn time like I have nothing better to do but continue to enable them because they are simply too lazy, selfish, and honestly....STUPID to do anything for themselves. Get it together. I may not be doing all the big things I want to yet, but I know who I am, and where I am going. I know who you are too. The only people you're fooling is yourselves. I sincerely hope you grow out of that soon...we are only getting older. And although I am pretty much through with you, I'd hate to see you ruin your chances of ever having real friends again. Think about it.
Ok. Off to retail hell. Aka Friday night at the big girl store. Maybe today these ladies will have showered before they enter my fitting rooms. Fat and foul do not HAVE to go together, you know.
TGIF!!
Miss Jo
Speaking of dates. I haven't been on any lately. There is a new guy on the scene, and we keep saying we are going to go see a movie together, but we have yet to make that happen. Why, you ask? Well, he claims I am simply too busy. As usual, I am to blame for all the flaws in a "relationship." Ain't that something? Despite the fact that the guys get better with time, their excuses never do. I find that simply intriguing. The funny thing is, I am always too busy, but he makes sure he takes up all my free evening time. I say Ill be home at 11pm and he's waiting out front at 10:50. You better believe it. What the heck is THAT about?!?!
Strike that. I think it's a bunch of crap. But whose really paying attention? [that is what DRIPPING SARCASM looks like, if you didn't catch on to that.]
I just got done requesting information from The Academy of Art Institute in San Franscisco. I am leaning towards Fashion Marketing or Advertising. I guess I have no choice but to be uprooted. I try to stay in one place....try to make my life stable...but something always comes along and gives me the impression that it is NEVER going to happen. Whatever. Rather than stew over it and upset myself, I am going to keep doing what I have done all of my life: I am going to bloom where I am planted.
I have recently lost some more weight, constructed a rather fabulous essential fall wardrobe, and changed my style a bit. I am excited for life, but wary of what is to come. My mom was offered an interview for a job she really wants in Connecticut. How does this make me feel? I keep asking myself the same question. Where do I want to be? What do I want to do? Am I ready for anything other than California? I really don't know. The worst part is, the only thing holding me back is that I can't stand the thought of being more than an hour away from my aunt, and other mother, and the fam I have out here. Otherwise, I have nothing much left to lose, other than my sanity when the snow comes. So much for straight hair all winter if I go that route.
Do they even know how to press hair in Connecticut? Are there even black people there? Wow. WOW. What am I going to do?!?!?!
Moving on again, lately, I have been evaluating the importance of certain people in my life. I have a lot of friends. I refer to a lot of people as closer than friends...as family, actually. The killer is, they are some TWO FACED ass people!! Seriously, they have the game so messed up! What is it with people thinking that even though you KNOW the things they have done to others, they think you are stupid enough to believe they'd never do those things to you? Do I have "No, really, I love you so much I'm blind to your bullshit." stamped on my forehead? I really hope not, because the last thing I aim to do is falsely advertise my intelligence. I'm on to you. I have been for a long time. But now? Now, it's getting a bit ridiculous. And seeing as I don't deal with you on a daily basis, I don't see why I should bother keeping you around.
I plan to keep taking chances. But only on MYSELF. I am DONE with people who think they can gallivant around asking for favors all the damn time like I have nothing better to do but continue to enable them because they are simply too lazy, selfish, and honestly....STUPID to do anything for themselves. Get it together. I may not be doing all the big things I want to yet, but I know who I am, and where I am going. I know who you are too. The only people you're fooling is yourselves. I sincerely hope you grow out of that soon...we are only getting older. And although I am pretty much through with you, I'd hate to see you ruin your chances of ever having real friends again. Think about it.
Ok. Off to retail hell. Aka Friday night at the big girl store. Maybe today these ladies will have showered before they enter my fitting rooms. Fat and foul do not HAVE to go together, you know.
TGIF!!
Miss Jo
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